Celebrities, News, Sports

Landon Donovan Fathers Love Child: In Other Breaking News, Rich and Famous Professional Athletes Can’t Keep It In Their Pants

Elisabeth Dickson :: Monday, June 28th, 2010 4:30 pm

In the wake of the U.S. soccer team’s soul-crushing loss to Ghana this weekend, star forward Landon Donovan can console himself with the news that he may or may not be a baby daddy: a British woman has named Donovan as the father of her unborn child. Donovan, who has been separated from wife Bianca Kajilich since last July, would not confirm or deny siring the English fetus, saying in an interview with Sports Illustrated that “if I need to take responsibility, then I will provide the appropriate support.”

Following reports of his infidelities, Donovan has joined the pantheon of sports giants like A-Rod and Kobe Bryant who are united by their collective inability to keep it in their MF pants. Yet unlike the smokin’ hot A-Rod and the sick-nasty Bryant, the 28-year old Donovan’s hotness/sick-nastiness is fatally compromised by a case of premature baldness.

Although I am by no means baldist (to paraphrase “Curb Your Enthusiasm”), [shallow] logic would dictate that men who are bald at a young age would do less business than their more hirsute counterparts. And yet, the sexy-time conquests of famous, prematurely balding men like Donovan have proven otherwise. As a celebration of those who have triumphed over societal norms, cultural standards of attractiveness, and the insidious influence of Rogaine commercials, we salute 3 prematurely bald celebrities who have overcome the odds by banging hot women from all four corners of the globe, serving as an inspiration to follicularly challenged gentlemen everywhere:

1) Jude Law. The patron saint of balds in the 18-35 demographic, Jude Law’s conquests have been well-documented in the tabloids. After dumping wife Sadie Frost for “actress” Sienna Miller, Jude made headlines for cheating on her with his children’s nanny, prompting Miller to dump him for actor Balthazar Getty (who, according to Google Images, is also bald, but his hairline has not come close to receding at the rapid rate of Law’s, who at this point could rent out space on his forehead for weddings and bar mitzvahs.) Nostalgic for the intimacy that comes with doing lines off your partner’s skull, Miller had a change of heart and got back together with Law last October.

2) Prince William. With his patrician good looks, bashful demeanor and profound lack of sexual charisma, Wills is the second-most popular fantasy for English schoolgirls to rub one out to (the most popular is Bob the Builder. Obviously.) A cursory look at any gossip rag reveals that Prince William has dated every bitch in the United Kingdom, although Audrina Partridge-lookalike Kate Middleton is now the permanent object of his charms (charms that include gradually metamorphosing into a balding C.P.A./premature ejaculator, if recent photos are any indication.)

3) Heath Ledger. Yes, he was a shining star whose fuel burned out too early; yes, he was a great talent who is sorely missed. But in honoring the legacy of Heath Ledger, we must also honor his contribution as a prematurely bald man who nonetheless went on to bone the likes of Michelle Williams, Naomi Watts, and (allegedly) Mary Kate Olsen. RIP, Heath: Out of 10 Things We Hated About You, your receding hairline wasn’t one of them (wordplay!)