Celebrities, News, Pop Culture
XYV (Examine Your Vagina): An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus
Elisabeth Dickson :: Monday, June 21st, 2010 6:15 pm
I was recently hanging out with someone who asked me to explain why Miley Cyrus was listed as one of my favorite artists on Facebook. Because this happens to me more often than one might expect, I was adequately prepared to launch my standard Miley defense, which consists of the following points:
1) I like her voice. I think it’s cool.
2) I like her screen presence. I think it’s charming.
3) I like her songs. I think they’re awesome.
4) I like how she makes stupid mistakes, like a normal seventeen-year old. I like how she’s actively trying to break free from the Disney pop tart mold. I like that she dresses slutty and takes embarrassing Facebook photos and generally acts like a better-behaved version of my sixteen-year old sister. I find that refreshing.
After I had touched upon all the major points of my argument and withstood thorough cross-examination (which mostly consisted of “Seriously? You like Miley Cyrus unironically? Seriously?”), I felt like I had adequately presented my case. So imagine my disappointment when I go online this afternoon and see THIS:
(Note: There is an uncensored version floating around on the Internet, but I respect Miley [and federal child pornography laws] way too much to link to it.)
And just to clarify: This is not a production still from “Showgirls 2.” This is not a leaked LAPD photo of an American Apparel model after she’s escaped from Dov Charney’s basement. This is not a trippy, musical theater version of a routine PAP smear at your gyno’s office. This is a photograph of a seventeen-year old girl performing at the 2010 MuchMusic Video awards in Toronto, Canada, the Land of the Biebs and the Home of the Drake, where they should have laws against this shit.
So in conclusion, I would like to pen an open invitation to Miley to put her vagina away. It goes a little something like this: DEAR MILEY. I LIKE YOU. I LIKE YOU A LOT. I LIKE YOU WHEN EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW HATES YOU. I LIKE YOU SO MUCH THAT I HAVE PROBABLY RUINED COUNTLESS CONVERSATIONS BY ENUMERATING IN GREAT DETAIL THE REASONS WHY I LIKE YOU. BUT I DON’T LIKE YOUR VAGINA. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR VAGINA. PUT YOUR VAGINA AWAY, SO I CAN LIKE YOU IN GOOD CONSCIENCE AGAIN. BEST WISHES, ME.
P.S. THOSE EARRINGS ARE AWFUL. JUST…AWFUL. WHERE DID YOU GET THEM, CLAIRE’S? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING SHOPPING AT CLAIRE’S? YOU DISGUST ME. PUT THOSE AWAY TOO.
