Dick of the Week

Dick of the Week: New York Times

Shannon Hassett :: Friday, February 19th, 2010 7:00 pm

New York Times, you dick! While you may not have started the slew of rumors surrounding your little ‘expose’ on Governor David Paterson, your refusal to comment on the situation makes you no better than the gossip whoring social media mongers you were attempting to rise above. An aide that quickly rose through the ranks with a six figure salary to match? Overall laziness and some expensive dinners charged to the campaign budget now and then? We’re not talking pre-Clinton politics here, and I want some sexy laundry in my career ending journalistic endeavors. Look, I get it; some dude at the Observer decided to ask his fellow tweeters what they had heard about your upcoming piece on Paterson, and it was soon the shot heard ’round the world wide web. With Paterson’s reelection bid already healthily on its way out prior to printing, you were to be the final nail in the gubernatorial coffin — and you failed! I’m not criticizing your use of unmitigated rumors to sell some papers — times are hard, and over here in print media, we’ve got to be willing to take on new lows — but when those rumors begin to make their way into the realm of the real, you have to fess up. The murder of a political career is a terrible thing to waste.

Dick Of The Week: Hayley Franklin, First Grader

Amy Rose Spiegel :: Friday, February 12th, 2010 5:20 pm

Hayley Franklin, you six-year-old dick! News broke this week that Hayley Franklin, a first-grade student at Parkway Elementary School in St. Lucie County, Florida, began a violent, hour-long tantrum when her teacher asked her to do something. She flailed, kicked, screamed, and caused bodily harm to at least one of the school’s staff members - most notably, PUNCHING HER EIGHT-MONTHS-PREGNANT PRINCIPAL IN THE STOMACH. She actually had to be put in handcuffs in order to keep her restrained.

This Week’s Dick: Old Age

Matt Kiebus :: Friday, January 29th, 2010 2:45 pm

Old age you dick! Getting old really sucks. I really thought all those crazy ideas from 80s movies would be in full effect by now, we would be living well into our 100s, and thriving. We wants to get old? You start stealing batteries, eating prunes and having dinner at 5pm. You get all wrinkly, have trouble walking, hearing, seeing, and thinking. In the truly terrible cases you suffer from erectile dysfunction. I mean damn, what are the perks? Retiring from work to watch your children and grandchildren have all the fun? No one wants to being playing Chinese checkers while their grandson is doing a keg stand. Someone has got to find that shifty fountain of youth, quick.

Old age claimed the lives of two great geezers this week, JD Salinger and Howard Zinn, at 91 and 87 years old, respectively. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye continues to influence teens over 50 years since it’s been published. Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States changed the way U.S. history has been taught in schools across the country.

They got old, they died, and the world is going to miss them. Old age sucks.

Dick of the Week: John Edwards

Stephen Blackwell :: Friday, January 22nd, 2010 1:45 pm

John Edwards, you dick! You know, man, you could’ve been Attorney General right now. And a solid contender for 2016. In America, we love the fall from grace — it’s become the locus of our social media interaction — due in no small part to our protagonist’s impending redemption. Look at Chris Brown. He beat the shit out of a female pop icon and he’s already back. But you- you’re up in the air. We don’t even know how to file your transgressions. Diapergate? Cancersexgate? And isn’t it kinda freaky how much Martha Coakley and Rielle Hunter look alike? They’re like twin blonde-headed demons bent on disgracing the Democratic party and stifling its until-now amazing resurgence.

Your sexual misconduct during your presidential run can best be chalked up to bovine stupidity. You lied to our faces while promising us everything. As such you would have been a great fucking president, man. Like Eazy-E before you, you’re now the poster boy for latex brand condoms. Quick, someone pitch Trojan on this.

This Week’s Dick: Pat Robertson

Amy Rose Spiegel :: Friday, January 15th, 2010 2:00 pm

Pat Robertson, you dick! Normally it’s cute when senile old men say dumb things, but this week that consistently crazy TV Evangelist didn’t take his medicine. The guy is a politically incorrect joke waiting to happen. He probably believes in ghosts, curses, witch doctors, and that the south will rise again. What a foolish old dick.

Blame the people trapped under buildings for the earthquake, classy. I think he’s secretly scared that a Voodoo priest will shrink his head. Rumor has it he thought the tsunami was cool too, probably thought those people on vacation were hot in the sun could use a refreshing splash.

This Week’s Dick: Rupert Murdoch

Alex Moore :: Friday, November 13th, 2009 1:30 pm

Rupert Murdoch, you dick! I know you were in Australia this week when you said Glenn Beck was right about President Obama being a racist, but we heard you all the way over here.

Not only did you say that Beck was right in commenting that “the president has a deep-seated hatred for white people,” we heard you say: “[Obama] did make a very racist comment about blacks and whites and so on.”

Which comment are you referencing to, dude? Because I remember the president saying stuff like: “We’ve got a tragic history when it comes to race in this country. This country wants to move beyond these kinds of things.” Doesn’t sound much like race baiting to me, you dick.

It really is depressing to see you xenophobic old white guys so petrified that you have to have to cower in a corner and cry “racist” the minute you feel your sacrosanct pasty whiteness may be slightly less valuable than it was a minute ago. And fear you should: Almost 40% of Americans said that Obama’s election was one of the most important milestones in racial progress in the last 100 years. They times, they are ‘a changing, you old codger. Get used to it.

This Week’s Dick: Bernie Kerik

Brenna Ehrlich :: Friday, November 6th, 2009 5:55 pm

What is it with dudes named Bernie? Do they have the fuck-people-over gene welded into their DNA, ala The Lucifer Principle? Bernie K., for one, became the very first NYPD police commissioner to admit to committing a crime when he owned up to a myriad of truly dickish offenses this week, including taking a mammoth payoff from a mob-linked contractor and then lying to Bush about it. Granted, lying to Bush demolishes some of his street cred in Dickville-but, still Bernie, you are the reason why the majority of America adheres to the philosophy: “Fuck da police.” You might not be as bad as some other coppers (unless you also tortured suspects with electric shocks and phone book wallops), but due to the fact that you are a dirty, cheating, lying liar-type, you have earned the distinction of being the dick of the week-a title that could very well become your prison nickname as well.

This Week’s Dick: Sting

Stephen Blackwell :: Friday, October 23rd, 2009 6:20 pm

Sting, you dick! What’s this …If On A Winter’s Night shit you’re pulling? When did you become Robert Frost?

We don’t quite get the beard, either. You look like a cross between James Lipton and Christian Slater. Not a good look, especially since you’re such a handsome devil.

We get the whole concept: snow magically transforms landscapes, yada yada. It’s even cool you decided to record a bunch of low-key Welsh elf music. For your listening pleasure. In your own home. But did you have to, like, release it, man?

This Week’s Dick: Joe Jackson

Alex Moore :: Friday, October 16th, 2009 4:37 pm

Joe Jackson, you dick! As if it wasn’t enough to turn Michael into a total freak during his life, now you’re exploiting his legacy with your grandkids? Wtf?

I mean, fair enough, if Michael is gonna name one of his kids Blanket, he’s gotta halfway expect the kid to end up on a reality TV show at some point. But still we were shocked to learn this week that you’d sold the rights to your family’s narrative to A&E for the new show The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty. Selling the grandkids into a life of celebrity dysfunction before they’re old enough to choose it for themselves is pretty weak. Would they have chosen a life of celebrity dysfunction had they been old enough to make the choice? Probably — almost all Americans seem somehow posessed with the idea. But that’s not the point. The point is that you’re supposed to try and protect your grandkids when they don’t know better. But hey, I guess if you’re gonna go for it with your own kids, why hold back with the grandkids?

Your daughter Rebbie said the show would make Michael “spin in is grave.” We agree dude — totally lame. But yeah… we can’t wait to watch it. We love you, Blanket!

This Week’s Dick: Michael Steele

Alex Moore :: Friday, October 9th, 2009 6:09 pm

Michael Steele, you dick! Look, I understand that you want to tow the party line by trash-talking any and everything that the president might do or say, but seriously.

Today on the occasion of the president’s winning the Nobel Prize, you asserted that “the real question Americans are asking is, ‘What has President Obama actually accomplished?’” Really Michael Steele? Really? Is that what we are asking? Because I could have sworn that the president’s newly strengthened diplomatic relationships from Latin America to Russia just led Iran to concede to shipping most of their uranium out of Tehran, decreasing the nuclear threat from that part of the world.

He hasn’t accomplished anything? Are you out of your mind? Look, I know it’s gotta make you bitter to be a black politician who’s not Barack Obama. But it’s not flash and star power that he’s bringing to the table — he really is that good. Let me ask you something, sir: Just what the hell have you accomoplished? The “do nothing, change nothing” philosophy of Republicans is going to burn out really fast — especially once meaningful healthcare reform is accomoplished despite you guys. That you would turn this historic honor for the president into an occasion to insist that the man has not accomplished anything is truly astounding. Congratulations Michael Steele — you are our dick of the week!

This Week’s Dick: David Letterman

Stephen Blackwell :: Friday, October 2nd, 2009 4:26 pm

David Letterman, you dick! Whoa, we feel pretty bad when we think about sleeping with our interns. One could only imagine the stress associated with sexing up an undisclosed amount of women on your staff. Here’s an idea for tonight’s show: “Top Ten Ways to Screw Your Boss.”

Of course, being the victim of extortion is no fun. We feel for you. Hopefully this was some righteous gash you were pulling down. Better than Rielle Hunter at least?

Now, I read the Rolling Stone article where you reiterated you suffer from anhedonia. Really, man? No pleasure? All that sex, and no pleasure? I don’t believe you!

This Week’s Dick: Kanye West

Craig Gaffney :: Friday, September 18th, 2009 7:55 pm

Kanye West, you dick! Did you have to snatch the microphone out of Taylor Swift’s hands at the VMA’s on Sunday? Hey, at least you were big enough to apologize on Jay Leno the following night (there was an apology in there somewhere right?). Bottom line, no man should go to such lengths to publicly declare “THE BEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME,” and not pay tribute to Lionel Richie’s “Dancing on the Ceiling?”

Perhaps “dick” just doesn’t quite do it justice? But what else could be said of you? Ah yes, “he’s a Jackass!” Proving once again Obama can articulate just about everything better than you and I.

This Week’s Dick: Congressman Joe Wilson

Stephen Blackwell :: Friday, September 11th, 2009 3:01 pm

Joe Wilson, you dick! What were you thinking? You can scream, “you lie!” at the president when you’re, say, watching TV in your house. When you’re a congressman seated at a congressional address — dude, you just can’t. So you’re a disgrace. Pick your head up: You’re still a healthcare lobbyist’s wet dream. I mean, c’mon — nobody believes in a “spontaneous” congressman.

It’s been widely said that the Republicans have lost their touch. Joe Wilson, did you even have a touch to lose, man?