Booze Does the Body Good

Matt Kiebus :: Tuesday, March 9th, 2010 6:10 pm

Over time men at bars have made up a million lies and urban myths to convince women that we are more interesting or accomplished than we really are. Our methods have been juvenile, classless, and have never been based in any scientific fact, until now. The New York Times has reported that according to a recent study, women that drink “moderate amounts of alcohol” a day gain less weight than nondrinkers.

I can’t help but think of all the poor disillusioned girls out there thinking this is a miracle diet. When in reality the findings of the study have no relation to women losing weight from drinking alcohol.

The Grey Lady might have just created a monster. Imagine a bunch of drunk skinny girls running around thinking 5 martini’s and a yogurt is healthy? Oh, wait that epidemic already exists. According to the recent study women sometimes use alcohol as a replacement for meals. Really? No way?!?

On the flip side can you imagine what the average American male is thinking right now? The most reputable newspaper in the world published an article online that encourages women to drink. Of course the article isn’t referring to drinking in a binge setting or to lose weight, but how often to people take these medical studies a bit too far?

In many social situations, women have the upper hand in any association with men. Unless you’re a famous athlete, or celebrity, you normally don’t have complete control of your post 2 a.m. destiny. You can work all the angles, you can be smooth and charming, but at the end of the night the girl decides if you’re worthy or not, she holds the ultimate trump card. However alcohol can help lower inhibitions, and work up the nerve to pave way for a conversation.

So men make up lies, based on what we are conditioned to think women might want. All the sudden their Chevy Cavalier is actually the same 1968 Ford Mustang GT Steve McQueen drove in Bullitt. Meanwhile, the reality is he paid for his IPA with dollar coins and tipped with nickels.

The majority of the time we aren’t entrepreneurs, we don’t manage a hedge fund, don’t summer in South Hampton, or drive a vintage Porsche. But we make up these things to even the playing field. It’s like cheating on your resume a little to make yourself look better. What sounds better: environmental specialist, or janitor?

Now, men have a new “line” or what-have-you to convince girls to have one more drink. Another chance convince them maybe funnier or better looking than they originally thought. Men everywhere should be thanking the New York Times for unintentionally convincing women to tolerate us via inebriation.