New York, News, technology

How to Get Girls With Your Gadgets

Carmel Lobello :: Tuesday, June 8th, 2010 2:44 pm

Top Secret Tip: If you play your cards right, your gadgets can help get you laid. In celebration of New York’s Internet Week, Death + Taxes is jumping on the Geek Train by looking back at the Masters of Gadgetry for lessons on how to get girls with your gadgets. Check out the list after the jump:

Doc Brown: Back to the Future’s mad scientist.

Best Gadget: Doc Brown didn’t necessarily have the greatest hair, but a DeLorean on its own is one of the most famous girl-magnets of all time. So what does that say about a DeLorean that time travels?

Edward Scissorhands: Girls love dark, mysterious dudes, and Edward had the misfortune (dumb luck!) of being created with scissors for hands, a rather isolating feature, which landed him a Gothic Castle for a crib.

Coolest Gadget: Obviously, his bionic scissorhands. Despite the obvious downsides (eye-rubbing, heavy petting), Edward is exceptionally skilled in haircutting (girls love that), hedge-trimming, ice-sculpting, lock-picking, and self-mutilating (not quite as sexy). Not a bad skill-list if you ask me.

Inspector Gadget: Though clumsy and dimwitted, the cartoon-detective constantly uses his trusty bionic gadgets to get him out of trouble.

Coolest Gadget: His Hat. Everyone knows that girls are into accessories, a fact that should make Inspector Gadget’s hat the best girl-bait on earth. Its features include, a spring that lets him bounce when he lands on his head, a propellar that actually enables him to fly, a pariscope that allows him to see over high objects and underwater, a huge windsail which works along with his bionic skis, a police siren, and a radar and two robotic arms that extend from the brim (one of them holds a wooden hammer that bops people on the head, the other holds an unmarked aerosol can that sprays frigid air, freezing his surroundings). The most remarkable aspect of this hat is that when he’s not using any of the features, it looks EXACTLY like a regular detective-hat.

Joseph-Ignace Guillotine: The creator of the most diabolical gadget in European history.

Coolest Gadget: His namesake masterpiece, The Guillotine, which was basically a cleaner, more efficient way to decapitate rich people during the French Revolution. Estimates of how many heads it claimed during the Rein on Terror vary, but the ever-dependable quotes 40,000. They hate admitting it, but girls love power.

MacGruber: The SNL character who fights crime using only his mullet, inflated ego, and home made gadgets.

Coolest Gadget: The Celery Stalk Trick. It’s a distractionary device. See the movie.

James Bond: The sexiest, most effectual gadget man of all time.

Coolest Gadget: All of Bond’s gadgets are pretty ingenius, but none of them really had the “coolness” factor of the Mini-Rocket Cigarette which with a flick of the wrist shot a jet powered projectile missile up to 30 yards in the direction of the enemy.

The Swiss Army: It’s fitting that the least-threatening army in the modern world has an incredibly nifty (totally adorable) multi-use gadget named after it.

Coolest Gadget: The cork screw. Considering all the knives are good for is cutting apples and brie, The Swiss Army Knife’s entire design is centered around getting you laid. Use the cork screw generously, nothing gets girls like booze.

Steve Jobs: Co-founder and CEO of Apple.

Best Gadget: The iPhone 4. Steve Jobs might exactly be known as a sex-symbol, but he’s the only guy on this list who actually exists in real life. The iPhone changed everything by combining a phone, mp3 player, browser, camera, and gps. Now the iPhone 4 has all that, plus a front facing camera for “facetime”, Retina Display for high def browsing, a 5 mega-pixel camera, and HD video recording and editing.