By Shanon Kelley
Photos by Ray Lego
Bearded Comic? Yes. But Farmer, U.S. Political Strategist and Object of Teen Lust? Who Knew?
For a minute, I thought I had been stood up. I had rung the doorbell twice but there was no response. Eventually, I heard footsteps and the door slowly opened just a crack. I thought this was an invitation to open the door myself, and attempted to do so while sneaking a peek inside. What greeted me was a wide-eyed Galifianakis, his face squeezed between the crack in the door, his hand firmly gripped on the doorknob, stopping it from opening any further. He glared at me with the wide-eyed stare of a paranoid schizophrenic before closing the door in my face.
That was my introduction to Zach Galifianakis, the self-taught farmer and prophesier of the apocalypse, which he believes will definitely be in our lifetime. Of course, we know him best as a comedian. In that capacity, he’s a little nutty (in the best sense of the word of course). He’s incredibly sweet and talkative, though his comedy thrives on sullen jokes and melancholic piano playing.
Besides apartments in both Los Angeles and Brooklyn, his favorite residence is his 70-acre farm in North Carolina. He claims to take any job he can get; yet he enjoys making absurd music videos sometimes at his own expense. And ladies can’t seem to get enough of him in spite of his insistence that only “over-weight, bearded gay guys” (a.k.a. “Bears”) could possibly find him attractive.
Tell me about how you got involved in making music videos.
The music videos started one day when I called my friend, Michael Bleiden, who’s a director. I said, “Will you come over to my house? I want to film a music video for Anita Baker.” That was the first one. I did that just for myself. Fiona Apple saw it and she asked me to be in her next music video. She’s a friend of mine and lives in my neighborhood. Kanye West saw the Anita Baker one as well and came to see me do stand-up. After my show, he asked me to do a video for his song “Cant Tell Me Nothin’” and I said I would as long as he didn’t tell me what to do and I could shoot it at my farm. So that’s how it happened. The next day I flew to my farm. The same director, [Michael Bleiden] that did the Fiona and Anita Baker ones showed up, and we drank whiskey while we shot the video. And then Will Oldham came.
You’re friends with Will Oldham?
Well, Will happened to be visiting my farm and I said, “We’re shooting a music video, do you want to be in it?” He said, “alright” so it was that simple. Kanye is in the video for one second at the very end, too. A lot of people don’t realize that.
Tell me about your farm in North Carolina.
Well, I’d say that for the past 5 years of my life I’ve felt the need to cultivate land—to grow things. So I decided that I wanted to buy a farm and bought 70 acres. The only things I’m growing right now are fruit trees and then eventually marijuana and then I’ll have some cattle. I have a few on it now but I’m getting ready to get more.
Really? So you’d have a grass farm?
It’s a …wait, what do you mean? Like a weed farm?
I mean grass that cows eat. You have to grow grass unless you plan on feeding them corn, which you shouldn’t.
So that’s actually called a “grass farm?” [Laughing] Wow, you’re so versed in farming.
I just read a book about it.
Well, right now there’s a lot to do. Not to bore you but I have to fertilize the land, put phosphate and certain other things down so the grass is ready. I’ve built half of the fence already. I put a well in so the cows would have something to drink out of. Hopefully everything will be ready and the cows can be in there by the summer.
So what are you going to use the cows for? Dairy?
Oh, I’m just gonna shoot ‘em. You know randomly, for target practice. [Laughing] No, I’m not sure what kind of cattle I’m going to have yet. It may be a sanctuary for beat up old cows. Or it may be a legitimate ranch for beef cattle—I’m not 100% sure.
Exciting! At least the sanctuary idea part...
Yea, did I mention I have no idea what I’m doing? I’m researching everything right now. Oh! I’m getting ready to move a 100 year-old schoolhouse onto the farm. My old babysitter is a black-foot Indian. She just called me and said, “I’m selling my land but I don’t want to sell it to someone who’s going to tear down the school house.” So I’m lifting the school for her and trying to figure out how to get it on my farm. And then she admitted that when I was 14 and she was probably 29 that she always had sexual fantasies about me.
Oh my!
Yea, I know! Isn’t that nice, albeit a bit disturbing? I mean I was pretty good looking back then. I actually used to be a nanny in New York and I hated the children. But they’ve grown up now.
Do you still talk to them?
Funny you should ask. The boy had actually shown up to a couple of my shows where I had told a story about him on stage. I didn’t know that he was in the audience until after the story when he shouted, “That’s not true!” But he’s lying! It’s absolutely true. He had threatened to tell his mom that I was touching his penis if I didn’t do everything that he said.
So let’s talk about your stand-up. Why do you play the piano?
What happened once was that I was at a club and they had a piano, so I sat down and started playing it while I talked. It added this nice melancholic music underneath the rather absurdist things that I was saying and I thought it worked really well. It’s just a nice soundtrack to the stupidity, really.
I know you’re in the middle of a tour with Will Ferrell right now, how’s that going?
It’s crazy! One night we played for 15,000 people.
Is it just stand-up or skits?
Will’s doing skits. I’m doing stand-up and a big performance number at the end. It’s a bit odd to do it for 15,000 people. My mic went out the other night on an off-colored joke and I thought, “Oh shit, the audience totally hates me.” Normally that doesn’t bother me at all, but no one laughed. I realized later it was just the mic that had gone out right on the punch line. That was a bit nerve-racking—to make that many people not respond. Not one person!
What was the joke?
The joke is “I wear a lot of axe body spray…”
Classic!
[Laughing] So, you know, the punch line is “ask body spray” which is when the mic went out and the audience was dead silent.
You know, when I first heard that joke I didn’t get it right away, but then I thought it was brilliant.
[Laughing] Well you know, not to wax poetic, but after I do that joke I usually say, “If you don’t get that joke then you’re not racist.” Meaning, it calls people out on their own racism. Whether we want to admit it or not, everyone’s a racist. We all are, I hate to say it. That’s a hard joke to sell off. I don’t mean it to be offensive. I mean it because it’s stupid—racism is funny because it’s stupid. I’m not endorsing it.
Did you just call me a racist? That’s like when your brother went on the Jimmy Kimmel Show and said that you were a big racist and that you hated everyone, including most whites [YouTube this. –Ed].
It’s funny for a twin brother to call the other a racist! I don’t know why that makes me laugh so much. It’s just really, really funny to me. But I actually used to do this character called the Effeminate Racist. I always think there’s something funny about someone who’s been marginalized and the victim of ridicule himself because he’s effeminate to not understand the irony of being racist.
A lot of your characters are a dichotomy, like the Timid Pimp or the Pretentious Illiterate.
Yea, it’s just juxtaposition. There’s one that I’ve been trying to do that never works, called the Self-Deprecating Nuclear Physicist. It’s funny that someone who makes nuclear bombs would not be sure about the bomb he’s making! But it never ever works. Oh, and by the way, Will Ferrell is so nice and funny and just such a gentleman. It’s really nice to see some very successful guys keeping it real. I’ve really taken a liking to him. And he’s so much taller than me that he started calling me “child actor, Zach Galifianakis.” And Will Arnett, do you know who he is?
Yea, of course.
Well he’s been on tour with us for the last bit.
I didn’t think that he did stand-up.
Well he doesn’t, he’s sort of emceeing the show. Will and I, all we do is insult each other. It’s so much fun! I love to call him “Amy Poehler’s husband.”
Arrested Development was one of my favorite shows.
Never seen it.
Seriously?
Yup. I heard it was great, though. I’ll see it one of these days. They asked me to audition for it, and when I read it I just didn’t get it. Then I took a part in a horrible TV show instead of doing that show. Another great career choice!
So why do you have maps of Iraq and Saudi Arabia taped to your wall over there?
Don’t you worry about that.
You mention Darfur a lot. Would you say you’re socially and politically active?
Yes, I am. I keep up with everything. I like to start talking about Darfur on stage, which is hard to do. I was so surprised that about two years ago no one knew what I was talking about. It made me really sad. And I have smart audiences that should know better! But I don’t know, I guess people are too busy caring about the Olsen twins. Anyway, I try to keep up with those things. The world is coming to an end and we should all be aware of it, right? I mean it was a nice run. We tried! Honestly we may see the end of the world in our lifetime, or the beginning of the end at least. Pretty funny, huh?
So what do you think about the upcoming elections?
I’m for Obama and I’m not afraid to say it. I’ve been for him forever.
Death+Taxes is for Obama as well.
Oh good! It doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t have that much experience. Experience with what, anyway? Lobbyists in Washington? The old guard? That’s refreshing to me.
What do you think of 50 Cents’ comment that he was voting for Hilary because if Obama wins he’ll most likely be assassinated?
50 Cent is an idiot. All those guys are morons. [Laughing] Headline: “50 Cent Is An Idiot Says Zach Galifianakis.” Oh god, or, “Zach Galifianakis And Obama Shot On Same Day.”
[Laughter] It wouldn’t mention you in that headline…
You’re right, it wouldn’t!
